Ever since I was really little, I've been telling jokes.
I wouldn't consider myself an awesome comedian or anything, but I completely love simple, dumb jokes that make me belly laugh like nothing else. My little brother is on a mission right now and every week I try to find a new joke to send him, so I decided to document a few of my favorite finds here, because who really doesn't need a good laugh now and then. Without further ado, my favorite jokes:
Birthday joke:
A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead...
" I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead...
" I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "
Bogies:
How do you get a tissue to dance?............. You put a little boogie in it:)
(gross, but I laughed really hard at this one)
Noah's Ark:
What was the only vegetable not allowed on Noah's Ark?............................Leeks:)
Seeing Eye Dog:
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
The Library:
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
The muffin Joke:
Two muffins were a baking in the oven. One turns to the other and says, “Boy it’s hot in here.” The other says, “AAAHHH!!! A talking muffin!” (Classic)
New Year’s Resolutions for your Pets:
15. I will not eat other animals’ poop.
14. I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on steroids, or they’ll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak that give me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is too much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as a scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd-December 31st: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year’s Resolutions Made by Pets….
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT’S HAND.
Husband and Wife:
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
- God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
- God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
- God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
- God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.
- God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
- God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
- As Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
- Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
- As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
- When God finished creating Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that.”
There are just a few of my favorites so far. I’ll keep updating as I find more that I like:)
